Sender tell me why

The person is a progressive and a lawyer. Someone I have known for more than 15 years. We shared past tense a fondness for each other. The exchange was upsetting on its own, but it was not an isolated incident. This summer brought a reverberating pattern of conversations and emails and texts from friends, collaborators and acquaintances, revealing a prescribed and self-accepted way of communicating.

A form letter of sameness of how white people in America discuss race, with us and themselves. Wednesday-Saturday, by appointment. At the height of the insanity, I wrote an essay about my experience. And that was telling. This cognitive detachment was something I recognized. An echo chamber of fragility. After I wrote the editorial, I thought I would feel better.

A naive sentiment in retrospect. My community was in pain. Another one of us cut down, with no greater sense of when the change that we desperately demanded would come. I found that I was even more enraged, but now in a more resigned way. How to deal with more death, other than to hold the grief closer? In staring at my mourning, I began to collect the phrases that had triggered me the most — variations on the same theme of a lack of accountability, a blithe uselessness and an emotional apathy.

They communicated a silent expectation that the burden was mine to carry, that it was for me to orient and settle the speaker. My role was victim and teacher all at once. I was the antagonist, and they were the protagonist in their own narrative. This was the language of white America that I knew. Far away and up close. It sucked the air out of our exchanges.

And I wanted to breathe. The first thing I looked at was my response. I could have been unbothered, dismissed my anger and moved on, as living in this country had taught me to do. But then I would have been without feeling — something less or more than human, as a coping mechanism.

I split my day with working on the digital aspect for the first half of the day until I am ready to use my whole body to move around and paint. Sometimes in the evening I try out new tutorials to learn a new modelling skill. I am currently busy working on a VR multiplayer exhibition space where we could meet in virtual reality and look, talk or experience together.

Exhibitions, Interviews, Articles, Store, About. In the Studio with Pascal Sender. Words by Ieva Jasinskaite. How important was art to you when you were growing up? I was interested from very early on, knowing I wanted to explore and go down this rabbit hole.

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